Ever had one of those days where all you want to do is cry like a baby?
For no apparent reason, and regardless of what you do to try and distract yourself or put on a happy face and pretend like everything is ok, eventually there comes a point in the day when it all becomes too hard and you just lose your shit?
Well, today is one of those days….
One of the things I hate most about living with anxiety (often due to my Hashimoto’s) is the effect that it can have on my mood. Even at times when things seem to be going pretty well, out of nowhere I can have this awful sense of impending doom descend upon me. And it’s soul crushing. No amount of positive self talk seems to help and lets face it, the likelihood of actually talking positively to oneself at times like this is pretty slim.
Probably doesn’t help that I’ve been a little less than great at staying away from the types of food that help to fuel this kind of flare up…hello chocolate…a little too much chocolate! It’s not something I do often, but occasionally I just go into all out self sabotage mode when it comes to chocolate, and eating a couple of pieces is just not an option! I’m an all or nothing kind of girl, and I’m tipping that having recently rocketed full steam ahead into perimenopause (mega hot flushes included) hasn’t really helped on this front. I mean, I can literally go months without even the slightest desire for a taste and then BOOM! Why is there a completely empty packet of Old Gold on the bed???
And then comes the guilt…
Followed by the flare up…
But, as I always like to say, “it’s neither good, nor bad, it is what it is”. I’m human, and even though I absolutely know better, I don’t always DO better. And you know what? Every time something like this happens, I learn a little bit more about myself, and even if I don’t like it, the chances are it’s going to help me at some point down the track; not quite sure when, but it’s bound to happen, right?
They say forgiveness is one of the most important things you can do when someone has hurt you, but how often do we actually apply that to ourselves? Most of us are literally ‘walking wounded’ and if we are honest, we are probably more hurt by the ridiculous expectations we place on ourselves and the guilt we attach to our perceived inability to meet those expectations, than by anything anyone else has ever done to us.
There is an amazing amount of information out there at the moment encouraging people to be kind and take care of themselves, but how often do we actually apply it? And I’m not talking about having a manicure and taking a bath (not that there’s anything wrong with that), I’m talking about letting yourself off the hook sometimes. You know, cutting yourself the same kind of slack that you would a loved one who is having a hard time. Why is it that we are harder on ourselves than we would ever be on anyone else? Think about the kind of stuff you say to yourself, and then imagine hearing someone say that to the person you love most in the world, say your child, or partner? What would you do? Would you stand up for them? Would you fight to the death? Then why do we treat ourselves differently?
Believe me when I say as I write this with tears in my eyes, in the middle of another hot flush, that I really want to find out the answers to these questions! I want to be at peace with the person I am, and be happy with what I achieve each day. I want to be able to forgive myself when I don’t live up to my own expectations and to learn from my experiences each day. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror, be happy with who I see and say “you’re doing great!”
And I desperately want to help others to do the same.
The dictionary meaning of ‘Wellness’ is “the quality or state of being healthy in body and mind, especially as the result of deliberate effort” (dictionary.com, emphasis mine). So it doesn’t just happen by accident; it requires some purposeful input. It is something we have to pursue. It’s a fascinating concept that we become most interested in pursuing wellness, when it is taken from us. As the old saying goes “you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone” and it’s probably never more applicable than when it comes to our health! And our mental health is a huge part of this.
Regardless of how I might feel at this moment, I know that at some point soon, I will feel better. And there are certainly some things that I can do to help that along. Like making choices that nourish my body and my mind, and being as kind as possible to myself instead of succumbing to the guilt for feeling this way in the first place. I also know that I will have more days when I feel like this, maybe even worse; it’s all part of the journey.
And there is really nothing wrong with sometimes letting go and just having a good cry… holding it in is not necessarily the strongest, or wisest, thing to do.
Trust that it will get better and keep moving forward; I’m going to.
What do you do when you have ‘One of those days’?